Perfectionism: What No One Is Talking About
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I heard that when you go into a job interview, you should tell the boss that your biggest flaw is perfectionism because it isn't really a flaw. As a pitcher and instructor, I know for a fact that it can be a flaw, and I believe sports can help people overcome it.
I think the pitching position tends to attract perfectionistic people. While I doubt any pitcher can be a complete perfectionist—otherwise she'd probably quit after a week because of all the walks, errors, and hit batters—I do think this is a topic that deserves attention. Please remember that I possess these qualities myself, so I'm writing out of an affinity for my fellow pitchers.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, a perfectionist is "a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection." It's always a little annoying when the word itself appears in the definition, but as I'll discuss below, it's actually a useful definition. I also added some context from a Harvard Business Review article called "How to Manage Your Perfectionism."
Due to their insecurities, perfectionists often believe that anything less than their desired outcome means they are a loser or a failure. Since they cannot accept this self-designation, they change their behavior in ways that ultimately hurt them.
Let's break this down.
If I can't accept reality—or even my perceived reality—what do I do? What happens when perfectionists realize they aren't going to meet their own expectations?
First, they become emotional when reality doesn't match what they expected. This creates a feeling of being trapped, and panic becomes the only perceived option. They may cry, get angry, or quit altogether.
Second, a perfectionist may avoid trying things she isn't certain she can achieve. In order to avoid being viewed as a failure, she never starts new things and therefore never discovers what she's truly good at. Unfortunately, reaching your potential requires exploration, and exploration requires failure. If she refuses to search, she may end up at the top of the wrong mountain. Being at the top feels good, but not nearly as good as being at the top of the mountain she actually wanted to climb.
Third, she may pretend she accomplished the goal when she didn't. Some people call this denial. Others call it a lack of self-awareness. Some might even call it lying to yourself. This often shows up as blaming the umpire, teammates, coaches, or circumstances for poor performance. She talks herself up while putting others down. She convinces herself she doesn't need to practice because she's already good enough. After all, if she's perfect, then practicing would be an admission that she needs improvement.
Fourth, she may become relentlessly focused on achieving the goal and keep going until she breaks. The problem is that perfection is usually an unrealistic goal, so there is no finish line. Breaking can look like an emotional breakdown, a physical injury caused by overuse, or even a convenient injury that provides an excuse for failure. It can also mean neglecting important parts of sports, such as teamwork, relationships, or simply enjoying the game.
What do all of these behaviors have in common? They are done without regard for the journey, the learning process, or the purpose of competing in the first place.
A pitcher may want to hit 80% of her spots because it's fun, because she loves striking batters out, because she wants more playing time, because she wants to see how good she can become, because she wants to make her parents proud, or because she wants to help her team win a championship.
The perfectionist, however, often has only one reason: she wants to avoid feeling like a failure. It’s out of fear. She wants to throw 100% strikes because anything less feels unacceptable. As much as I am prone to black-and-white thinking myself—and I'm still working on it—I know it's not the path to reaching my potential or experiencing joy in the process.
So how do we coach perfectionistic athletes?
First, encourage them to play team sports.
Researchers found that participation in team sports, compared to non-sport participation, was associated with lower rates of anxiety, depression, social problems, attention problems, and other mental health concerns.
Second, at least initially, give them opportunities to succeed. The book Developing Talent in Young People suggests guiding perfectionistic athletes toward highly manageable goals. Repeated success helps them stay in the game long enough to develop resilience. During this period, continue working on the mental side of the game. Eventually, you can challenge them beyond their comfort zone and teach them how to accept failure as part of growth.
Because these athletes are often highly goal-oriented and numbers-driven, give them controllable, process-oriented, and team-oriented goals. Avoid outcome-based goals such as strikeouts, batting average, or wins. Most importantly, make sure they agree with the goals.
Some examples include:
Did you complete your think/play box routine before every pitch?
Did you respond positively after a teammate made an error and compete for the next batter?
Did you complete your gathering routine after every ball, hit, or walk? A gathering routine is a physical action that helps you mentally reset after a mistake.
If I were a parent, I would structure my post-game conversations like an After Action Review (AAR). An AAR is a process used by the military after training events to analyze performance and identify lessons learned.
The questions are simple:
What was supposed to happen?
What actually happened?
What worked?
What didn't work?
What would you do differently next time?
This approach creates space for both positives and negatives. We need both. Constructive conversations before and after games help athletes grow without feeling attacked.
Sports are an incredible vehicle for teaching life skills. Pitching quickly exposes weaknesses, insecurities, and skill gaps. Athletes are faced with choices, and then given a path they can follow to improve.
In real life, it's often easier to hide. The path forward isn't always clear, and there may not be a coach standing beside you to guide you. That's why it's so important for girls to stay involved in sports throughout their youth—especially perfectionists.
When one of my pitchers grows up and applies for a job at Practice Pro, she might just tell me she's a perfectionist during the interview. At that point, I'll know she has pitching experience;).
I heard when you go into a job interview, you should tell the boss that your biggest flaw is perfectionism, since it's not really a flaw. As a former pitcher and a current coach, I know for a fact it's a flaw and playing sports can help you overcome it.
I think the pitching position is a bit of a draw for perfectionistic people. While I doubt any pitcher can be a total perfectionist, since they'd definitely quit after one week of trying it out (you know about the grounders and hit batters and all), I think this is a subject that deserves some attention. Please remember, I have quite a few of these qualities so I'm writing out of an affinity with my fellow pitchers.
According to Oxford English Dictionary, a perfectionist is "a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection." Isn't it annoying when they use the word in the definition? Nevertheless, as I'll discuss below this definition is helpful after all. I added a little more context with information in the Harvard Business Review from an article called "How to Manage Your Perfectionism." I paraphrased the article below.
Due to the insecurities of own insecurities, perfectionists believe anything less than the outcome they believe to be desirable says that they are a loser or a failure. Since a perfectionist cannot accept this self-designation, she changes her behaviors to her own detriment.
Lets break this down.
If I can't accept reality or perceived reality, what do I do? What happens to perfectionists when they see they aren't going to reach their own high expectations of themselves?
1. She gets emotional if the outside reality and her own reality don't match. This hurts her because she feels trapped. The only thing left to do is panic. She has a reaction and will start to cry or get angry. She quits.
2. A perfectionist won't try something that she knows she can't achieve. In order to not be deemed a "quitter", which is not a "perfect" thing to do, she don't start new things to discover what she's good and bad at. Unfortunately, she won't be able to reach her potential and find her natural gifts without doing a search. A search requires failure and if she won't look around, she might end up at the pinnacle of the wrong mountain. Being at the pinnacle feels good, but as good as being at the top of one she wants to be on.
3. She pretends or imagine she was able to accomplish the goal when she didn't. Some people call this denial, some not being self-aware. Some say that it's lying to yourself. They do this by blaming the umpire or her team for her performance. She puts others down and Talks herself up. She thinks she doesn't need to practice or put in hard work because she's already good enough. I'm perfect, in fact. Practicing would be an admission that I need work.
4. Or, she single-mindedly keep going until she gets to the goal, which means she keeps going until she breaks. There is no getting to the goal, since it's an unrealistic goal. "Break" could mean emotional breakdown (see #1), a physical injury from overuse, or a "fake" injury to avoid actually failing. Maybe she neglects the other aspects of sport in order to reach her goal, like teamwork.
What do all of these things have in common? All are done without regard for the journey, learning, or purpose as to why and athlete wants to compete in the first place. A pitcher wants to hit 80% of her spots in a game for a lot of reasons. It's fun and exciting, she likes to strike a lot of people out, she'll get to play more, she want to see how good she can get, she wants her mom and dad to be proud of her, or we might be able to win the championship, etc.
The perfectionist, on the other hand, has only one reason for hitting 80% of the spots, and that's to pitch 100% strikes so she's not a failure. As much as I have a fondness in my heart for black and white thinking (working on it) I know it's not the way to help me reach my potential or experience joy in the process.
How do we coach perfectionistic athletes?
First, encourage them to play team sports.
Researchers found that participation in a team sport compared to non-sport participation was associated with 10% lower anxious/depressed scores, 19% lower withdrawn/depressed scores, 17% lower social problems scores, 17% lower thought problems scores and 12% lower attention problems scores.
Second, and hopefully only temporarily, only give them things they can succeed at. "Developing Talent in Yong People" suggests guiding perfectionistic athletes towards super-manageable goals. Hopefully by repeatedly succeeding they will stay in the game longer. Work on the mental - game aspects below during this time. Eventually, you'll be able to challenge her beyond her comfort zone in order to accept failure.
Since these athletes are so goal oriented and number-oriented, give them controllable, process and team oriented goals. Avoid outcome oriented goals such as number of strikeouts. They must agree on them as well.
1. Did you do your think/play box every pitch?
2. Did you pick up a teammate by striking the next girl out when she made an error?
3. Did you do your "gathering routine" after every ball, hit, or walk? A gathering routing is a physical movement you do to get yourself back on track mentally after a mistake.
If I was a parent, my goal will be to structure my post game talks like an AAR. An After Action Review is what the military does after a training events to analyze what happened. They ask the following questions: What was supposed to happen? What did happen? What worked? What didn't work? What would you have done differently? This always leaves room for both the positive and the negatives. We need both! Have constructive pre and post game talks.
Sports is such a phenomenal way to help kids learn an unbelievable amount of life skills. Pitching quickly exposes their weaknesses, their insecurities, and their lack of skill. They are faced with choices, and are then presented with paved path they can follow to overcome them. In real life, we can hide very easily, and paths are not clear. As an adult there might not be a coach to guide them where they want or need to go. This is why it's more than imperative that girls stay in sports for their entire youth - especially the perfectionists. When my pitchers grow up and want to work at Practice Pro, they'll just have to tell me they're perfectionistic in the interview to get hired. At that point I'll know they have pitching experience.
