How to Communicate More Clearly With Your Daughter
/I know the story. After one or two years of dedicated pitching lessons, sitting on the bucket catching for your daughter week after week, day after day, her agreeable and loving attitude suddenly starts to turn sour. Unthinkably, it’s directed towards - you!
What’s this all about? It couldn’t possibly be the beginning of her teenage years so early? As a long-time observer of the parent-daughter relationships, I am a witness to a lot of disagreements. I think some can be avoided. Let me show you how to communicate more clearly with your daughter.
I’ve been trying to develop my philosophy on this, then somehow communicate it with a tactful touch, especially because I’m not a parent. While debate rages about over-bearing parents or how much is too much, I still find the pitching position kind of an anomaly. Pitchers need their moms and dads more than every other position. They need them, quite possibly, more than every other position in all of sports! Who is going to catch for them hour after hour in the backyard so they can realize their full potential? A net? Have you not seen Field of Dreams? “Hey Dad, you wanna have a catch?”
Is this parent-player thing just part of softball-culture or is it absolutely necessary for success?
My opinion leans much closer to the latter. Either way, you’re going to want to delay or even skip altogether the disagreements. Some are inevitable, as with anyone working closely together. But some are avoidable. Let’s start with suggestion #1:
1. Focus on one mechanic at a time.
When it comes to softball fundamentals, try focusing on one mechanic at a time. This will help your daughter appreciate and understand each part of a pitch. Lumping a bunch of things together at once will make them seem more complicated than they really are. Sometimes, a parent or coach (I do it too sometimes, don’t worry) will say something like “make sure you snap the ball hard when you throw it.” Then when the pitcher accomplishes this, the coach/parent, instead of acknowledging the proper execution of what was asked of her, ignores the accomplishment and comments on a totally different thing to “fix”.
While grade-school players somehow seem immune to these discrepancies, middle schoolers and high schoolers tend to feel that they can’t do anything right. They retaliate by pointing out in front of everyone when her parent cant’s catch very well or laughs a little too hard during our parent-pitch game.
2. Expect More
Great coaches and parents believe in their players more than they believe in themselves. In pitching school we push the girls to learn different pitches, game strategy, the need to remember scores, and how to take personal responsibility. Even when they think they can’t do it - they can! If you give them a lot to learn, rather than waiting until they perfect their fastball (which never happens, fyi), they’ll spend more time being excited about learning something new than criticizing your “coaching” style. Plus, you can learn it too!
3. Do not yell out mechanical corrections at games.
When you go to her games or practices, try not to talk or shout our mechanical corrections. If you talk to her all the time, she can’t give her 100% focus to the game (or practice) and her team. It also removes some of her ownership. A healthy thought you want her to have after a tough game would be “I have to practice more before next game” or, “it’s just not my day”. You don’t want her to think “I let my dad (or mom) down”. I understand one of the most uncomfortable things to see is your kid struggle. Consider helping her be more resilient after the game instead of trying to add/remove pressure in the moment. She’ll gain a ton of confidence if you can hold back.
4. Make a detailed practice plan.
Focus! Encourage your daughter make a plan before practicing. This should not be your job. Making a list and following it throughout the practice is a fun idea. Checking off each task/drill gives her a sense of accomplishment! There’s a greater sense of motivation than making it up as you go along.
5. Trick her into not quitting.
If she wants to quit in the middle of the workout, simply ask her if everything was checked off. Ask her if she needs any help with catching or watching her motion. It’s her responsibility but she’ll probably like you helping and watching. Boom! She’s learned how to do something that will benefit her long term but might not be fun short term. Up next - mowing the lawn!
6. Accept that she’ll know more than you, eventually.
Know your limits. As your daughter gets older, she will have more knowledge than you on the sport. This is because she is going to every lesson, practice, and playing in every game. You will eventually lose to her in pitching knowledge. I have seen many situations where a player gets frustrated, discouraged, angry, and loses respect for her parents when they continue to offer mechanical corrections after they’ve lost touch. At this point, revert to simply being a catcher, enjoy your time together, and always say “I love to watch you play.”
7. Communicate by your actions - catch for her.
Finally expect that your daughter will go out and practice - if you go with her! Your actions speak louder than words. If you expect more of yourself and put the extra effort in of catching for her, you show her what commitment really is. Plus you’ll get great bonding time! Remind her she’s the one who made the goal that she’d practice 4 days per week. Now hold her to it! She’ll understand and respect that way more that telling her to go into the back yard and pitch into a net by herself. Once you do it religiously for a year or two, she’ll start doing it on her own.
Have fun. At the end of the day, your involvement in your daughter’s softball experience should make your relationship stronger. After all, it’s a really fun thing to do together! I know I loved it when my dad and uncle caught for me and taught me how to play.