Watch Out: "How was Your Game?" Is a Bad Question
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When your daughter comes home from school do you ask, “How was school?” Is, “How was your game?” the the main sports-related question you can think of ? These usually illicit simple responses like “fine”, or “good.” I get a chuckle from the more sophisticated response “ I did great but my defense didn’t back me up.”
How is your daughter supposed to know how to talk about her performance? What should she say? What does “good” even mean? Surely there’s a thoughtful way to converse about her game so she can grow. After all, sports are the perfect setting to learn how to deal with adversity, unfairness, and physical discomfort. They can inspire her, show her what she's made of, and help her do things she never thought she could do. To sort out these lessons, have these questions ready for your “car talk” after a game or practice.
Process What Happened First, you want to sort through feelings of confusion, anger, and embarrassment. You then want to find out what she liked about the game or practice so you can do more of it. I would ask these questions first, before you get into any goal-analysis.
“What inspired you today?”
“What was the hardest rule to follow today?”,
“What do you wish you could have done better?”
“What teammate deserves a shout-out for how she played?”
“What did the coach do that you liked?”
Next you want your daughter to know what a "good" performance looks like. There are two kinds of measurements I would take: outcome-based and process-based. In both instances you want something measurable.
Did I Have a “Good Game?” Outcome-Based
Outcome-based things are not immediately controllable. They are results based on experience over days, weeks, and months of practice. You’ve heard that softball and baseball are games of mistakes. Whoever makes less, wins. Outcomes act as a compass which will tell her where to direct her future practice efforts. They are also indications of the work she has put in thus far.
How many errors did I make?
How many batters did I walk?
How many runs scored while I was pitching?
Did I pitch similar or a little better than I do in practice?
Remember: have proper expectations! If you only achieve 20% strikes in practice then why do you expect to never walk anyone in games? Instead, if you are at 20% strikes in practice get excited when you pitch 20 - 30% in games!
Did I Have a “Good Game?” Process-Based
Here are the activities players can control during a game. In addition to stats, keep score of the following things. The younger a player is, the less actual numerical stats you should take. A first-year player might not even need to know how many walks she gave up, since it’s not relevant yet. She'd be unlikely to succeed and our job is to keep the her encouraged. The following questions make for more productive conversation.
Did I have the same pre-pitch routine every time? Was my tempo the same no matter what was happening?
Did I have zero mental errors?
Throwing it to the wrong base.
Not being sure how many outs there are.
Not knowing I’m on deck.
Did I have good body language 100% of the time? Was I acting like a leader?
Did I ever give up?
Did I ever throw balls on purpose so the coach would take me out?
Did I stop playing the game because I was upset?
Did I tell the coach I didn’t want to pitch when it was my turn?
When I was young I didn’t process much about games. I barely remembered the team I played against or how many innings I pitched! In some ways I look back and think this might have been good, making games stress-free. On the other hand, if I talked about what had transpired during my games I might have learned more. When you first start asking these questions I'm guessing the answers might be slow to come. Once she begins to learn not only how to play, but how to talk about playing, answers like "good" "bad" or "I don't know" will be a thing of the past.
